I have a friend that calls everything in life a Godcidence and I love her for that! It’s such a cool way to look at the things that go on in our lives. I’ll tell you right now that I’ve always had a relationship with God, but there was a time when I definitely locked Him out of my bedroom and yelled GO AWAY anytime he came, knocking.
Someone once told me that I only went back to believing in God because I’m afraid of dying and going nowhere. So once I’d “lived” a little I was content with returning, it’s called born again or something right? – is what said person said.
It’s true I spent most of my late teens and 20s first shutting God out completely in anger and frustration and lack of understanding. With wanting nothing to do with Him you turn to yourself to fix everything or the world and that can be overwhelming. I call this time the Dark Decade of Emily
I’d love to tell you right now to spare the heartache and turn to God in prayer and seek answers through him and his word, not from the world because it’s a long hard road back to where you came from. But I know from experience that it’s easier said than done, and if you aren’t ready to listen telling you to turn towards God in prayer may not only turn you away but may send you running to possibly never return. So instead I’ll share some of what I’ve learned and pray for your journey.
Now on to the Part where you may leave God but He never leaves you.
I lost my Grandma when I was 16 years old. She was a lady to aspire to be, she was kind, loving, and giving, and her soul radiated a whole room. She was the first grandparent I ever lost. And even tho God surrounded me with people who loved her and were great stewards to Him I chose to shut them out and with time I became distant. I still did “church” things. But they became motions and not a daily lifestyle.
In my freshman year of college I dealt with an eating disorder because it was something in my life I felt I had control over (clearly not) but by Godcidence I had an amazing RA for a roommate who was such an amazing person. Talk about meeting another Gem whose soul radiated a whole room! She literally checked on me in my sleep! And she kept me safe from true harm.
I was never the party girl until I was. Once you let go, you are living in the world and the world has a lot of pain and hurt and a little snake that is EVERYWHERE. You spiral fast and you find yourself doing things you never in a million years thought you as a person would be doing. By Godcidence you always have someone looking out for you. Oftentimes in college, this was my brother, my roommate, or my best friend. They may not keep you from sin because ultimately you are the decision-maker in your life, gotta love that good ol free will. However, they can keep you from losing yourself completely, and help you to stay somewhat grounded while you’re lost.
After college, I moved to Chicago and continued the whole “I’m living my life my way” stubbornness. I started a job in Chicago. I was living on my own, tired of partying and staying out late tired, of not respecting myself.
God was like come on home girl!
He had people intervening everywhere; at work – Starbucks, at church, in a small group, ALL around.
It was because of His interventions that I started to attend church again, and joined a small group.
However, I was still guarded, to fully return to him, how could I, I’d been gone so long.
It’s like I was talking to God on the other side of that door I’d slammed shut, but I still wasn’t going to open it and let Him in.
Fast forward another 5 to 6 years, more moments of weakness and Godcidences where he was there with me the whole time and gave me options to choose him.
I still let the world win from time to time. If everyone is completely honest with themselves the world will win from time to time. Sin is slippery and can even paint a picture of gray versus black and white so that in your mind you may think you are doing right, but in your heart, you can feel the difference.
Regardless, I opened up my bedroom door fully one day, to let Him in and see the super big fat blubbery tears, I was kneeling on my bed saying I’m done trying to find my happiness in this world because I know in my heart of hearts happiness is found in you, through you. Lord, I’m sorry for all the pain and heartache I’ve caused. I’m sorry for the things I’ve done. Please let me come home.
So NO I didn’t “come back” to God because I’m afraid of dying. And lemme tell you what I’ll always be afraid of dying even tho I know where I’m going. Dying is scary and unknown and it’s okay to be afraid. I came back to God because I realized I was the one that left, and that he was always right there.
And although I wake up every day and I aim to do right by the Lord. He knows we live in a corrupt world and he knows that I don’t use that as an excuse to go looking for ways to get in trouble.
But he also knows that I will still get into trouble, and he is there and ready to forgive me when I ask for forgiveness. He knows us better than we know ourselves.
He knew I was going to stray before I strayed. He knew who he was going to place in my path before he placed them.
Y’all the Lord is the coolest most loving Father!
He knows we will shut the door in his face. But man if I could tell 16-year-old Emily anything. It would be to open the daw gone door back up and listen to what your father has to say because girl he would have held you so tight and never let go if you’d just let him! And he would have saved you from a decade of pain and uncertainty. But I also know that he can use me from my experiences. I am grateful for all the Godcidences over the years, for the fact He always continue to seek me.
He sent his son to die on the cross to save A WHOLE WORLD from their sins. His grace and mercy will always be present in this world if we accept the fact that we aren’t perfect, but his LOVE is!
Proverbs 3:5.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.